Stay Away From Hospitals!


Do you worry about going into hospital? You should. These sentences were dictated by doctors and typed by medical secretaries in the NHS Greater Glasgow area. As far as I can ascertain, they are for real.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3.  Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot  in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the  second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in  1993.

9.  Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10.  Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11.  Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for  lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15.  Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16.  Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

22. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

23. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

24. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

26. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

27. The patient was in his usual state of  good health until his aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions  in early December.

30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

8 Responses to Stay Away From Hospitals!

  1. Grannymar says:

    ’28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.’

    I love it!

  2. Steph says:

    Grannymar – It’s funny but also very realistic as you could easily imagine two docs discussing someone’s infertility on this basis.

    I think I’ll put (15) to the test the next time I have to see a doc ‘cos of headaches 😉

  3. I’ve seen these before – they’re very funny but also decidedly worrying!

  4. Baino says:

    OH God, I have a multi-nodular goitre (sounds awful but you’d never know). I’m just glad I have to settle for a regular fine needle biopsy and not a rectal examination!

  5. elly parker says: says it might be a hoax, but very funny nevertheless! 🙂

  6. Steph says:

    AV – They’ve been around a while okay but when my brother emailed them to me the other day, I couldn’t resist. His wife works in NHS administration!

    Baino – My hubby had to have a prostate biopsy done a year or so ago (thankfully got all-clear) and it’s definitely not an experience he wishes to repeat. Good luck with your own thyroid biopsy and fingers crossed the result is good.

    Elly – Thanks for the link. I’ve had great fun today exploring their other topics.

  7. Lottie says:

    This is not at all one of the most terrifying things I have ever read…

  8. Steph says:

    Hi! Lottie – Only one solution to this sort of stuff… stay away from hospitals!

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