I’ve just come across some thoughtful words about grief which I’d like to share with you.
The article was written by someone who has been devastated by the sudden death of friend in difficult circumstances, and he is still struggling to come to terms with that loss.
Learning to deal with loss is just one of life’s lessons but knowing this, doesn’t make it any easier. I’d like to dedicate this post to a dear blogging friend who is grieving following the recent miscarriage of a much wanted baby.
“It’s clear that I’m still very much grieving for my friend, but if I could offer any advice to someone who has lost someone dear to them, it would be that it’s okay to be sad.
Grief takes time; there is no right amount of time for you to come to terms with it. Some days it will seem like you are finally ready to move on and then something will trigger a memory and it feels like you’ll never be the same again.
But all I can say is to take every day as it comes. Don’t ever feel guilty for being happy, the best way to honour your lost friend is to enjoy life enough for the both of you.”
Biopsy Report 
Wise words indeed, it takes time and it’s non linear but all stages have to be passed through in order to arrive at another side where life becomes good again. Grief never leaves us unchanged but that change is not necessarily bad. Sympathies to your friend at this dark time.
Ann – I quite agree. The grieving process stops us in our tracks and tends to make us re-evaluate the world we live in. Grief reminds us of how fragile life is and of the importance to ‘stop and smell the roses.’
Very wise words.
I’m sorry about your friend xx
Cheers! Val
Everyone is touched by grief at some stage in their lives and while many people deal with it well, some take a lot longer to resolve their grief.
I really liked the message in this article that “it’s okay to be sad.”
Tears are salty and salt is healing, but it is important to remember that there is no sin in laughter and allowing ourselves to hear the birds sing and smell the roses!
Grannymar – Good point! Tears are a great way to release sadness and bring about healing of one’s grief and there’s no shame in crying. Grief is all too often accompanied by guilt.
I like the concept of celebrating a life lost. I consider it to be an integral part of the grief process.
Ah I’m no strange to grief but life has a way of taking over and our coping mechanism kicks in. It’s OK to be sad about a lot of things as long as it doesn’t consume. Very sorry to hear about your friend. 75% of women miscarry their first baby but if you’re having trouble getting pregnant it’s more devastating, saying ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ just doesn’t do much now does it.
Baino – That’s sound advice.
And as regards “if you’re having trouble getting pregnant”, you’re spot on. It’s a double blow and sadly, it applies in this case also.
At my grandmother’s funeral, her sister said to me
‘don’t cry, your grandmother wouldn’t want you to cry’
I just continued to sob.
It would have been rude at that time to say ‘actually, she would have wanted me to howl’. Years later now I laugh when I think of that moment. Not out loud, but inside. My grandmother would in fact have been proud at my very public display of grief.
All these years later, sometimes I still want to howl at her death, I miss her badly. We have developed a way of communicating though. I talk to her and imagine her answers. She berates me in my mind when I am selfish, she laughs with me when rainbows are in the sky, as a child she indulged me on my absolute resolution that one day I would find the gold at the end of the rainbow, she is there for me when I am sad. I no longer fear death because I am not sure about heaven but am sure if there is something there she will be there too. That is reassuring to me.
There is no manual for grieving is there. Thought provoking words in your post.
I am so sorry for your friends loss. To miscarry is to lose part of oneself. To find oneself again, to keep on hoping, whilst grieving still is an uphill climb.
After the death of my father in law my mother in law, commented some time later that I was the only person that hugged her and held her close. To hold the hand, or gently hug the bereaved does not come naturally in our society. I wonder if this adds to the isolation of bereavement. However well intentioned words at times of loss can sound hollow.
Retrospectively, I look back and realise my grandmother’s sister was grieving also and possibly found my tears overwhelming. I wish I had been more selfless and acknowledged this. I don’t regret my loss of control but I accept that for some tears can add to the burden.
I guess each individual has different coping strategies… finding them can be a rocky old road.
Achelois – Hindsight is a fine thing! I suspect the reaction of your grandmother’s sister was a generational thing. She was probably brought up to believe that it was wrong to show emotions in public whereas your grandmother appears to have had a more relaxed approach to life. Were they like chalk and cheese in other respects as well?
My mother had a twin sister (whom I adored) and you’d never believe that they’d grown up together as in adulthood, they each lived very different lives with different standards. I will say though that the Irish are renowned for the way they wake their dead. Personally, I think a warm hug says so much more than any words.
Thank you for acknowledging my friend’s loss. She is indeed facing an uphill struggle right now and my heart goes out to her.
You are right Steph, chalk and cheese totally describes them both. My grandmother was one of 13 children! she had a sunny happy go lucky but very wise personality. 13 children puts a strain on any family and they were not wealthy, she was ‘sent’ to live with the woman upstairs who could not have children. Whilst this meant she had more food etc. she never really understood why she was sent up there! She had three husbands and after that a fair few boyfriends well into her 70’s! I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescent with her in part due to my ill health. She understood me more than anyone.
Its good the blogging world, your post was thought provoking. I agree a warm hug is good.
Achelois – Fascinating stuff. Your grandmother’s story would make a great read! It’s no wonder you were devastated by her loss.
(((hugs)))