Medical Humour

The following alternative medical definitions of some common words come courtesy of The Washington Post:

Flabbergasted : appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate : to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade : to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly : impotent.

Coffee : the person upon whom one coughs.

Negligent : describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph : to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle : olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence : emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash : a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle : a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude : the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Circumvent : an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Pokemon : a Rastafarian proctologist.

Joking apart… having put up a blog post yesterday (it’s been a while), I’ve been encouraged to update my personal journey as a patient.

I shall endeavour to put up a post by the end of the week… even if I have to stand up to type it. Watch this space!

Risky Medical Procedures

A friend of mine is going into hospital tomorrow to undergo a risky medical procedure.

She spoke to her surgeon earlier today to explain that she’s feeling a little nervous, but the surgeon was able to reassure her…

“There’s only a 1 in 100 chance of anything going seriously wrong”, he said.

“Besides, I’ve done 99 of these operations before and they’ve all been successful”

It’s a conspiracy!

I should have known better.

When the Icelandic volcano erupted 4 weeks ago causing the cancellation of my trip to Nottingham, I left a comment on my blog saying, “Knowing my luck, the volcano will erupt just before I’m due to travel next month and all flights will be cancelled again”.

Guess what? Yes, you’ve guessed right. It’s happened again!

The volcanic ash cloud moved back over Ireland and the UK yesterday causing the cancellation of my early morning flight today. As luck would have it, flights resumed again at noon but this was of no help to me. With only one daytime flight daily to Nottingham, there was no way I could get to my appointment with the surgeon today.

When the surgeon heard that I’d been ‘volcanoed’ again, he joked about it saying, “It’s a conspiracy!”.

But you know what? He might be right 😯

From now on, no-one’s allowed to mention the ‘V’ word!!!

Kitty Heaven

This is for Geri Atric and achelois.

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”

The cat says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

The cat yawns and stretches and says…

“Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life! And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

Seriously Strong

Are you feeling worn out at the moment? Need some help to get your strength back?

My advice is, eat cheese! It’ll make you seriously strong…

My Living Will

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the kitchen and I said to him…

“I never want to live in vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

He got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine!!!

Grateful thanks to Paramedic Blogger

Catch It. Bin It. Kill It.

A new health warning has been issued in Ireland. Public information leaflets and posters have been distributed to ports and airports. You have an important role to play in stopping the agenda of privatisation and for-profit medicine. Stop the spread of this pandemic disease now.

Radical health reform, in terms of creating a universal system of healthcare which offers equality and accessibility, is one of the greatest challenges facing Ireland today. Play your part.

Stop the spread of privatisation.

Podcast credit to PoliticalThicko and You Tube.

Taking Precautions

An 80-year-old widow was living with her married daughter and family. Following a job promotion, the family moved house to a quieter area. Shortly after the move, the old lady needed to get her prescriptions renewed so an appointment was made for her at the local surgery. She was asked to bring along a list of all the medicines that had been previously prescribed for her, for the new doctor to review.

As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Byrne, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Byrne, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

The old lady reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee…

“Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old grand daughter drinks …and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!”

Don’t Be Alarmed

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

“Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years! You can tell me anything.”

“But, this one is kind of strange,” she replied.

“You let me be the judge of that,” the doctor said.

“Well,” she explained, “yesterday morning I went to the bathroom and heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of coins.”

“I see,” said the doctor.

“That afternoon I went again and there were more coins in the bowl,” continued the woman.

“Uh-huh.”

You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!” she pleaded, “I’m scared out of my wits!”

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “There, there, don’t be alarmed,” he said, “you’re simply going through the change.” 

Groan! The cartoon is better 😀

It ain’t over yet!

Those of you who have been reading this blog for far too long 😉 will remember that I had a run-in with a certain consultant doctor over his arrogant behaviour. I have consulted more specialists than I care to remember but never before had I come across such blatant arrogance. On principle, I refused to pay for the consultation when leaving the doctor’s surgery and instead wrote to the doctor the following day, to express my dissatisfaction. Three weeks later, I received a bullying phone call from the doctor himself which did nothing to improve our stand-off. Last week, he sent me another bill for the outstanding account. It gave me a great laugh.

I decided not to waste my time writing to this doctor again. Instead, I picked up the phone and spoke to his receptionist. She sounded very young and innocent so I was very gentle. I told her politely that I had already stated in writing why I was unhappy with the charge and then added, that I hoped her employer didn’t treat his staff as rudely as he did his patients. She apologised profusely and promised to look into the error!

Now, I’m dying to know what will happen next. Will the receptionist relay my message to her employer and face the consequences or will she decide to quietly ‘lose’ the bill? Will the doctor try to threaten me with legal action? I suppose I should feel sorry for him. He must have hit hard times in this economic downturn. The consultation took place in 2007.

Watch this space!